Tom Purcell's Blog

Banking on Food

Tom Purcell — Mon, 05 May 2008 23:14:21 GMT

Food is getting mighty expensive. It's causing tremendous woe in the poorest parts of the globe, and many in the U.S. are having their struggles, too.

In any event, I looked into some of the reasons for the rising costs -- and what one clever fellow and his wife did to cope.

You can read about it here.

Gross National Happiness

Tom Purcell — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:10:15 GMT

Arthur Brooks is on to something.

After studying 35 years of data on happiness, he made some fascinating finds. He reported them in a book called "Gross National Happiness."

What did he find? Well, folks who hold traditional views and who lead traditional lives are happy. Those who hold "progressive" views are less happy. In fact, conservative folks are twice as happy as those on the political left.

Happily, you can read about it here.

Dodgeball and Presidential Politics

Tom Purcell — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 22:28:16 GMT

What do presidential politics and dodgeball have to do with each other? Plenty, these days.

In recent years, Dodgeball has been banned at public schools across America -- bad for self-esteem, apparently. Well, we now add tag and many other kids' games to the list.

Red rover, red rover, they're turning our kids into softies over and over...

In any event, you can get more background on the intersection of politics and dodgeball here.

The Stereo Console

Tom Purcell — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 21:28:58 GMT

I'm writing a book about growing up in the early 70s -- am sitting in an Irish pub right now trying to work on a chapter though am struggling -- and one of the chapters will focus on our old stereo console. Ours sat in our dining room and looked very much like the one above.

Virtually every suburban home had one. They sucked a lot of electricity, as they ran on old tubes that burned out now and then, prompting a visit to Daniel's Hardware for a replacement. The old tube technology took up a lot of space, which is why stereos then were made to look like a big piece of furniture.

Ours played a big role in our family. My mother flipped on the Sinatra radio station and whistled to the tunes as she did the dishes after dinner (mothers came in two varieties then, whistlers and hummers, and my mother was a whistler... because her father was... and, in fact, I'm something of a whistler as a result).

Sunday nights after dinner my father would put on his John Philip Sousa albums and march around the house, all of us behind him laughing hysterically.

Thus... the old console holds a bit of power over me. I wrote a column about it a year back and got a surprising amount of mail. You can read it here.

Taxing Quotations

Tom Purcell — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 21:29:24 GMT

I stumbled upon some interesting quotes on taxes on the IRS web site. Thankfully, the IRS has a bit of a sense of humor -- one that is much needed this week, the worst of the year, when I get to write out a big fat check to our government.

In any event, read the column on tax quotes here.

Lips That Touch Liquor

Tom Purcell — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 21:30:07 GMT

I stumbled upon this photo, in government archives, while looking for ideas for a book cover for a collection of columns I'm finally going to gather into a book.

This photo was taken during the Prohibition era, an amazing time in American history. From 1920 to 1933, America, thanks to a Constitutional amendment, no easy feat, went dry. That, of course, led to massive organized crime and enriched the Kennedy family -- old man Kennedy made much of his dough selling illegal booze -- and you can read about the basics at Wikipedia.

As interesting as Prohibition was and is, what interests me more is this photo -- the indignation, the moral superiority, the unwavering confidence that, by using the might of the federal government to limit our behaviors, these ladies KNOW they are doing what is best for the rest of us... because they know better than we do what is right and good.

Look and sound familiar? We could easily replace the words in their sign to apply to global warming or a host of other issues that, we're told, can only be resolved by expanding our government all the more and forcing people to "sacrifice" for the good of whatever it is the do-gooders are demanding that we do.

In any event, I don't know why the ladies above are so against alcohol and threatening to withhold their lips to any fellow who imbibes. From the looks of some of them, I don't know many fellows who'd want to pursue them sober.

Why I Hate Spring

Tom Purcell — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 21:44:30 GMT

Ah, yes, the tax season. One of the most miserable times of the year -- particularly if you are self-employed and you see, penny by excruciating penny, how incredibly high our taxes really are.

I'm pretty miserable about now, because I'm always behind on the incredible task of organizing all my receipts and records, so I can send the tally to my accountant, so he can tell me I owe WAY MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD!

It's amazing to me that a country founded on freedom and independence has a tax system 50 times more onerous than the simplified flat-tax systems in former Communist countries, including Russia, but it is so as you can read here.

In any event, see more details on our ridiculous tax-preparation woes right here. And, please, if you're in my neighborhood, please swing by with some bourbon.

Nationally Syndicated Humor Columnist!
Subscribe to Tom's New Blog: Blog.TomPurcell.com
Visit Tom's New Web Site: TomPurcell.com
TomPurcell@aol.com

The Old Catholic Elementary School

Tom Purcell — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 23:44:37 GMT

Ah, yes, the old Catholic elementary schools of my "yut."

St. Valentine's church and school are above. This picture shows the typical setup that thousands of kids experienced back in the 1960's and 1970's. St. Valentine's parish is located four or five miles away from my old school and church, St. Germaine, but I couldn't find a picture of St. Germaine to display.

In any event, I wrote about my old school because it, like many Catholic schools, is struggling to maintain enrollment. If I remember correctly, we had two classes per grade when I was a kid at 30 to 40 kids per class -- a max of 640 runts giving the sisters migraines. This past year, the school was down to 86 kids.

Makes me sad because, I know now, the experience I had in that orderly universe, is one I wish every kid could have. The sisters beat common sense, solid values and knowledge about math, science and English into our noggins every day from grade one through eight.

You can learn more about Catholic school trends at the National Catholic Educational Association (ncea.org). And of course you can read about my experiences at St. Germaine Catholic School here.

The school's only hope is to merge with another. Hopefully that will be enough to sustain it a good long while... but the long term isn't looking good for a place that did so much good for so many kids over the years.

The Photo Box

Tom Purcell — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 15:46:57 GMT

This photo below is of my dear sweet mother -- her high school graduation photo, I believe. I stumbled upon it while looking through the old photo box my parents keep in their hall closet...

I'm giving a humor speech about growing up in the 1970s, you see, and I needed some images from that time. And so a few weeks ago I was lucky to stop by the house and dug through the photos with my mother, a great bit of fun and nostalgia and even sadness... to see all this time passing and all of us moving along through life way too quickly.

This photo below is of my father when he graduated high school. I asked my mother why the black-and-white shot had red coloring under his nose. She laughed and told me that while he was away in the Army, she kissed the photo all the time. Her lipstick is what caused the red coloring (see below).

In any event, the old photo box was the subject of my column this week. Getting a bit of e-mail on it... so if you've got a moment, check out the column here. And for goodness sakes, get over to your mom and dad's and start digging through those photos.

Nationally Syndicated Humor Columnist!
Subscribe to Tom's New Blog: Blog.TomPurcell.com
Visit Tom's New Web Site: TomPurcell.com
TomPurcell@aol.com

The End of the Easter Bunny?

Tom Purcell — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 16:07:51 GMT

The poor Easter Bunny is making some folks uneasy.

Some mall managers, school superintendents and government leaders have decided the furry fellow is a little too religious, and is therefore offensive to some.

They're changing his name from "Easter Bunny" to "Spring Bunny" and all kinds of less-offensive names.

But is the Easter Bunny a religious symbol? What is his origin? Will he survive? The answers can be found here!

In any event, Happy Easter!

Nationally Syndicated Humor Columnist!
Subscribe to Tom's New Blog: Blog.TomPurcell.com
Visit Tom's New Web Site: TomPurcell.com
TomPurcell@aol.com

How Not to Honor St. Patrick

Tom Purcell — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 18:15:12 GMT

Ah, the St. Patrick's Day season is upon us. Be careful out there.

My friend Bergen spilled a fresh pint of Guinness onto the white sweater of a girl we'd just met. This happened in Washington, D.C. at a fake Irish pub and the full story -- the story of Americans pretending to be authentically Irish and getting a wee bit out of hand during the St. Patrick's Day season -- can be read here.

Which reminds me of the time St. Patrick visited an Irish pub.

Donovan, McNally and Finnegan see St. Patrick and each buy him a beer. Before leaving, St. Patrick shakes Donovan's hand. Donovan says, "My arthritis! St. Patrick, your touch has cured it!"

St. Patrick next shakes McNally's hand, and McNally says, "My blind right eye! St. Patrick, you've cured it!"

St. Patrick goes to shake Finnegan's hand, but Finnegan jumps up from his chair and runs away from him.

"Get away from me, St. Patrick." says Finnegan. "I'm on disability!"

Nationally Syndicated Humor Columnist!
Subscribe to Tom's New Blog: Blog.TomPurcell.com
Visit Tom's New Web Site: TomPurcell.com
TomPurcell@aol.com

On Leprechauns and Elves and Irish Culture

Tom Purcell — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 16:10:43 GMT

Column on Irish History

About five years ago at Pat Troy's Irish pub in Alexandria, VA, a theft occurred. Two drunk fellows decided to steal a large, heavy ceramic Irish elf right from the front of the pub. In the process of writing a column about this story, I had an opportunity to touch on Irish culture and how the influx of the Irish into America -- one out of four of us can trace our origins back to the rolling green hills of Ireland -- has affected American culture.

History of the Leprechaun

Also, did you know that the leprechaun concept that evolved in America -- meant to be a derogatory portrayal of the "grubby, dirty Irishman" -- was used as a means for newspaper cartoonists to mock the Irish in the early years? More details on the leprechaun at Wikipedia.

Some Irish Wit

In any event, this is one of "me" favorite times of the year, I being half Irish and all. My dear sweet Uncle Mike, rest his soul, used to visit my father on the back porch and swap Irish jokes, such as this one:

Paddy's wife was so happy he hadn't visited the pub in a month, she offered to make him his favorite meal, escargot.

"Run down to the market, paddy, and buy some snail and I'll grill them up in butter just the way you like them," says the missus.

Paddy heads to the store and on his way he passes the pub.

"Paddy," his pals shouted, "where you been? Get in here and have a pint."

"Sorry, lads, can't do it. I need to get back to the missus with me snail."

So Paddy continues to the market, buys his snail and heads back home. As he passes the pub again, his friends call out, "Paddy, one pint isn't going to kill you."

Paddy gives in. He stops in for a pint and one becomes two and two becomes three and... several hours later, a wee bit inebriated, Paddy stumbles home.

As he gets to the gate in front of his house, he trips and falls. The bag of snail he was carrying burst open and the snail went flying all over the yard. The noise woke Paddy's wife. She opens the bedroom women and shouts down at him:

"Paddy, where have you been? How could it possibly take you so many hours to buy some snail and get back home from the market?"

Paddy looked up to his wife, then down to the snail spread about the yard. He looked up to his wife, then back to the snail.

Suddenly he shouts at the snail: "Hurry up, boys, we're just about there!"

Nationally Syndicated Humor Columnist!
Subscribe to Tom's New Blog: Blog.TomPurcell.com
Visit Tom's New Web Site: TomPurcell.com
TomPurcell@aol.com

A Lovely Day for Guinness

Tom Purcell — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 13:05:17 GMT

This advertisement dates back to the 1930's, but its message still hits the spot -- much as a creamy pint of Guinness quenches one's thirst during the St. Patrick's Day season.

I've got some interesting tidbits coming the next few days on the Irish, the origin of the leprechaun and St. Patrick's Day... so be sure to check back.

But for the moment enjoy some Irish levity and humor here.

Material Kids and Spider Bikes

Tom Purcell — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 16:55:35 GMT

The Schwinn Orange Krate spider bike was the most coveted spider bike in the history of kid-dom. It had dual hand brakes, five gears, a real-working shock absorber in the front.

Any there's no way my family could ever afford one.

Instead I got a green Huffy spider bike -- it only had one gear with a pedal brake, but I loved that bike. Though I should have never lent it to my sister kris on that dreaded summer day!

In any event, just musing over old childhood memories... memories that hold more power over me, and bring me more delight, with every passing day.

You think kids these days, when they are older, will be as nostalgic about their video games and electronic gadgets as we are our old bikes?

Nah!

A Noggin Only a Mother Could Love

Tom Purcell — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 14:01:29 GMT

If you haven't done this in a while, I highly recommend it: go to your mom's house and find the box in the closet that is filled with old photos (ours is an old Pabst Blue Ribbon beer box). Bring it into the living room and dig in. You can't help but be overcome with joy and laughter... and maybe a strong bout of nostalgia and an awareness that time is passing way too fast.

That is what I did last Friday. I've been out giving a humor talk on growing up in the '70s -- the time I clogged the toilet with an apple core -- and decided to support it with some fun and funny images from that time. And so it was that I found this photo below, soon to be 46 years old.

My mother and I laughed long and hard going through these photos... and it brings such perspective... one photo is of my mother, now 72, when she was a little girl. And there were others of her when she was 18 and posed for some shots that she sent to my father while he was stationed overseas... one photo of my father -- I believe it was his high school graduation photo -- had red all over it. I asked my mother what it was... she said it was from kissing the thing while my dad was thousands of miles away. Their wedding photos are striking... so young and trim and good looking... and then the variety of photos over the years that show the growing family, the thinning hair, the kids getting older and bigger, the weddings of their kids, their grandchildren...

It's quite sobering to go through these photos and overpowering too... In any event, on this cold, overcast Sunday in Pittsburgh I offer one little piece of advice. If you're lucky enough to have your mom and dad still in your life, get over to their house and get out that box of photos.

For the Love of Obama

Tom Purcell — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 16:00:59 GMT

I watched an interview with Barack Obama the other day. There's something about the guy that is spellbinding. He could explain how quantum physics works and you'd eagerly ask him stuff like:

"Please tell me again, Barack, why energy is not continuous, but comes in small but discrete units!"

Some folks are trying to suggest the guy is light on experience -- as he is relatively young and has been a law professor and politician since he got out of law school -- and that he's getting by on charm. Fact is, he IS a charmer -- he's got extraordinary political skills and he just ride them into the presidency.

All I ask is that folks press the guy more on what his ideas are -- what he plans to do. The thing is, he's been telling us. He's been telegraphing, like an over-confident boxer, exactly where he's going to strike: higher taxes on the "rich," lots of new government programs and lots of expansion to existing ones.

Go to his Web site to see what he's got in mind. The guy is ambitious, to be sure, and his ambition is to drive change by government intervention -- not by unleashing the creativity of individuals, a more libertarian approach I favor (because, for starters, it works!).

In any event, I wrote about the Obama phenomenon -- pointing out simply what the fellow plans to do -- and have got a surprising amount of response on the piece. It would appear a fair number of people are wondering why a fellow whose left-leaning policies is riding so high in the polls -- particularly when the rest of the world is embracing the low-tax, low-regulation, pro-growth policies that unleashed investment and ingenuity and produced massive wealth in America since the early 1980's.

Does America really want to move toward the big-government policies that are strangling countries like France?

I guess we'll find out as this campaign unfolds. I just hope people dig into what each guy is really about before yanking the lever, because my taxes are plenty high enough, I being a "rich" fellow and all.

It's Winter, However...

Tom Purcell — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 15:43:55 GMT

So it's cold and foggy and damp here in Pittsburgh and I got another cold coming on -- you ever get one that starts in the throat right when you're trying to sleep at night; hoping that Zicam stuff does the trick -- and I am sitting in an Irish pub in Pittsburgh right near the fireplace sipping a Guinness and trying to write.

And since I have so much stuff due to various clients, I can't think of a better time to update this blog.

If you're looking to procrastinate (but like to think while you procrastinate!) on a regular basis, be sure to check a new feature on my new Web site: favorite cartoonists. Just go to www.TomPurcell.com and click on the link in the banner. CagleCartoons.com, the syndicate that distributes my stuff, has a cool new feature... it AUTOMATICALLY updates cartoons immediately as the new ones are added. I have four cartoonists featured at the moment but will add more as I get a chance to do so.

But what better way to relax when other duties call than to review the work of America's finest cartoonists as they lampoon everything that needs lampooning -- especially as we work our way through our peculiar picking-the-next-president process.

Anyhow, enjoy. And check out more great cartoons directly at the Cagle Cartoons site.

The Swimsuit Issue

Tom Purcell — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 15:53:47 GMT

Ah, yes, the swimsuit issue has arrived -- boy, has it arrived!

I personally want to thank Marissa Miller's mom for letting her drop out of school at the age of 16 to model full time.

This is Ms. Miller -- Marissa, not her mom, for goodness sakes -- below:

It's true that it would be great if we spent 1/100th as much time and energy on more important stories -- war, poverty, etc. etc. -- we'd all be better off.

But it's also true that this publication is at once what is great (economic vitality) and not so great (our obsession with superficial beauty) about America.

Still, despite the media circus -- despite all the publicity and parties and New York high-fashion types getting into a lather -- maybe, in the end, this year's issue shows that things aren't so bad after all.

Learn why here.

By the way, I think Danica Patrick-- the gorgeous hazel-eyed race-car driver -- is my favorite. Why you ask? Who doesn't like a fast woman? (I know, I know.)

By the way, no need to buy this issue anyhow. Every model in the mag is posted on the SI Web site. Heck, even Will Ferrell is there -- unfortunately.

Dude, It's Washington's Birthday!

Tom Purcell — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 19:55:07 GMT

I lived in the Washington, D.C. area for nearly eight years -- used to ride my bike down the path along the Potomac all the way to Mt. Vernon, George Washington's beloved home.

It's an amazing place to visit -- amazing to see how forward-thinking and innovative Washington, and all the founders, really were. See, Washington created a village on his estate... he had every amenity needed. He had a greenhouse in which he continually bred new plants -- always looking for the better way.

In any event, the place had lots of visitors for a lot of years but in recent years fewer people began showing up for tours. Why? Because schools don't teach about Washington anymore -- not as they did in the 1970's when I was a kid. And therefore fewer kids know much about Washington. If they know of him at all, they see him as some old guy.

So the people at the Mt. Vernon Visitor's Center decided to do something about that. They invested millions in high-tech presentation tools to rebuild Washington's image and portray him as a young man... it's an interesting story. You can read the details here. Check out the new high-tech visitor's center here.

Something to think about on "President's Day" -- heck remember when Washington had his on birthday? Anyhow, dude, if we're gonna remember any of our President's Washington is at the top of the list. He could have been king but he gave the power -- he and so many others risked all they had so that the little man could hold the power. It's a story we need to remember.

So get remembering, dude!

Valentine's Day -- The Worst Day of the Year for Men

Tom Purcell — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 23:34:57 GMT

Ah, Valentine's Day, a day that most men can sum up in two words -- ah, crap.

Men always fall short of the Valentine's Day expectations placed on them -- expectations that are always high -- and we end up annoying whatever woman is unlucky enough to be in our lives. This joke sums up the sentiment well:

A woman wakes from a nap. Her husband is sitting across the room.

"I had the most interesting dream," she says. "I dreamt you bought me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"I think you'll find out later," said the husband, a coy look in his eye.

Later at dinner the husband gave her his gift. She opened it. It was a book titled "How to Interpret Dreams."

Believe it or not, ladies, we men have done our best to become whatever it is you think you want us to be. This is why so manhave become modern, new-age, highly-sensitive males completely self-absorbed in how we look, with hopes of attracting you. That isn't what you want, either, but here are some tips on how to woo today's modern male.

And check out Wikipedia's take on the origin of Valentine's Day.